


You can stay as long as you want

by Aditu



Series: Always [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-06 19:01:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11042331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aditu/pseuds/Aditu
Summary: Could there have been a way for Lily and Severus to be together and to be happy ever after? What if things had gone differently right at the beginning? These series are strories, which center around possible paths their life could have taken.





	You can stay as long as you want

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally a chapter of another story but I made a series out of this and seperate stories out of the chapters. I thought I'd only ever write three Lily/Severus fics but since I finished a forth and have two more in Progress I figure there could be more...  
> oh, and fyi, this fic has a sad ending...

After James had betrayed her and Lily had left him, she had turned to the one person she knew she could always trust: Severus Snape. Yes, he was a Death Eater but he had always put her above everything, had loved her with all he had.

She had just been too stupid to take his love, to ignore all the comments about him being a Slytherin. She had been young and too unsure of herself, too unsure of her feelings, of what she wanted and what she should want. She hadn’t dared be with him, then.

Only now, after all that had happened the last days, after she had cried for almost two days through, she realized that not James had been the one who had loved her unconditionally, but Severus.

As she was standing in front of his door, she only hoped that it wasn’t too late. What if he had found someone else? It had been about two years since she had last seen him and talked to him. Or what if he hated her because she had married James?

But Lily felt desperate, felt lonely and betrayed and she hoped that Severus would be there for her as he had always been all those years ago. She had always been able to count on him. With no exception.

When Severus Snape opened the door, Lily’s heart was beating furiously. Her mouth was dry, not that she would have known what to say to her former friend.

“Lily.” His eyes, always cold, warmed when he looked at her and his ever present scowl faded. Immediately he opened the door wider and motioned her inside. “Sit down, I’ll make some tea.”

The house was small, with two rooms and it looked very impersonal, no pictures, no decoration, only functional furniture. But when she sat down on the couch it was surprisingly comfortable. The couch was in the same room as the kitchen and the only other things were a small table with two chairs and a giant shelf with books as well as lots of ingredients for potions.

Why he had a couch in here was strange considering the rest of the house but maybe he liked to read his books here.

Lily watched him prepare the tea. He poured a cup for her. It had the perfect temperature as she held it in her hands and she sighed a little. She had only been here for a few minutes and she was already feeling better. Her fears about him hating her were gone.

“I heard about it. I’m sorry.” Severus sat next to her, a cup in his hands, too.

Lily nodded and stared into the dark liquid in her cup. She didn’t want to talk about James, was sure she would start to cry. She hated crying, hated that someone had been able to make her cry so much.

For several minutes they sat like that, silently sipping their tea.

“How are you?”

“Bad.” It wasn’t much more than a whisper. Lily cleared her throat. “Better than the last two days.” She felt tears prickling in the corners of her eyes. “Severus, can I stay a while?”

“Lily.” He took her cup and placed it on the floor. Then he grasped her hands, very gently, and held them between his bigger ones. “You can stay as long as you want. Always.”

She looked at him then, looked into his eyes and she was sure she could see his love for her. One single tear ran over her cheek. “Thank you.” She would have liked to say more, to tell him how grateful she was, but suddenly she was unbelievably tired. She had slept little the last days and when she had, it had been restless.

As if sensing it, Severus stood up and pulled her to her feet. “Come. I’ll show you where you can sleep.”

The bedroom was small. Only a narrow bed and a wardrobe, nothing else. A second door probably led to the bathroom.

Lily sat down on the bed, not sure how to proceed from here on. But Severus took matters into his own hands. He rummaged through the wardrobe and pulled a shirt out. It was green and looked like muggle clothes. He held it out to her. “Here. You can sleep in this. The bathroom is over there. If you need anything, I’m in the kitchen. If not, don’t worry, when I’m out it normally doesn’t take long. Just, maybe, don’t wander alone on the streets around here. It could be dangerous for someone like you.” Lily was sure he didn’t mean her being a woman. Rather her fighting against Voldemort, which was no secret in the entire wizard world. She was known.

Severus smiled at her, just a tiny bit, but she supposed it was something special, coming from this man. He probably never smiled at anyone. “Now sleep a bit. If you need me, I’ll be there for you.”

She knew that. Had always known it. That was why she had come here in her desperation. Because she could count on him.

When the door closed behind him, she changed. The shirt was definitely a muggle shirt but it smelled like Severus. He had to wear it sometimes. Snuggling under the covers, which also smelled like him, she sighed contently. For the first time in two days she felt as if all would be okay again.

 

 

Lily didn’t have any clothes with her. She sat in the bathroom, only clad in the green shirt Severus had given her, and debated what to do. Not that she had many options.

When she left the bedroom, she had put on some shorts she had found in the wardrobe and the shirt, though she had put her bra on underneath. She only felt a tiny bit embarrassed that she had rummaged through his clothes while looking for his underwear to actually _wear_ it.

Severus was doing some potion stuff. He had always been good with it in school, even better than her. The whole kitchen smelled strange and it was rather dark, the curtains drawn and no light on. Some things on the shelf were glowing, as was the potion Severus was making.

Not wanting to disturb him, Lily stayed at the door, not moving and not saying anything. It wasn’t as if she had anything to do so she waited and watched. She couldn’t see much from Severus because he was with his back to her all the time but she looked at the things he used and tried to figure out what he was making by seeing the ingredients.

When he took something out of the shelf he must have seen her because he turned around. His gaze swept over her shortly and he raised his brows as he saw the clothes she was wearing. But he didn’t comment on it. “Good morning. You can come in, you don’t have to stay there.”

“Good morning. I didn’t want to be in the way.”

Severus shook his head lightly. “You wouldn’t have.” He put whatever he had grabbed next to the pot with the potion and turned the heat off. “Are you hungry? I have tea ready.”

Strange, Lily thought. She couldn’t remember him to be such a tea drinker. She loved to have tea, all day long, but she didn’t know if she had ever seen _him_ with a cup of tea in his hands before.

“Something to eat would be nice. Can I help you?”

“No, thanks. Sit down, I’ll get everything.”

It only took him a minute to have all ready. He sat down on the second chair at the table. “How are you today? You look better.”

Lily took a deep breath. She felt better but that meant little considering how bad she had been the last days. “Could be worse.”

Severus nodded. “Do you need anything? Clothes maybe?” He looked at the shirt she was wearing, his shirt. “You can continue wearing my things if you like, I have enough for the both of us.” A hint of a smile appeared at the corners of his mouth. “The colour suits you. It matches your eyes.”

Her breath caught. Severus was always so serious, so dark, but this small smile made him look extremely different. And extremely attractive. She had never noticed before but he had almost never smiled in school and they hadn’t really met afterwards. But she’d bet that he hadn’t smiled much then, either. “I... If it doesn’t bother you, I’d like to keep wearing them. It is so different that it doesn’t remind me of everything. It, maybe, it helps me to get a bit distance. If you don’t mind.”

Lily was so uneasy, so insecure right now. She felt the need to check all the time that it was okay for Severus that she was here, wearing his clothes, eating his food, drinking his tea, sleeping in his bed. They had been friends but it was a long time ago that they had been close. And they were on opposite sides in the war that was currently shaking the entire wizarding world.

“Lily.” Severus waited until she looked him in the eyes. “I don’t mind. I don’t mind that you are here and you can wear my clothes as much as you want. You know that I’d do anything for you, don’t you?” He brushed his thumb over her cheek, as if he would wipe a tear away.

She nodded. “I know, I just feel not very well and I ...” she shrugged, not sure how to explain how she felt. There was so much confusion and anger and hurt and sadness and maybe more and all mixed together. And, in addition to it all, she thought for a few days now that she was pregnant. She had wanted to tell James but then he had destroyed their whole marriage before she had had the chance. Maybe it was for the better that he didn’t know, now.

“I can only guess how awful you must be feeling. If I can do something for you, anything, just say it.”

Lily nodded again.

“I have to do these potions.” They had finished eating and Severus had cleared the table. “I have some books you might find interesting. You can read or I could get you something else you want to occupy yourself with.”

Books would be fine, and spending a few days with doing nothing and only reading sounded good. But Lily had another idea. “Can I help with the potions?”

“I can do them on my own.” His tone was only a tad arrogant and for the first time in three days Lily felt as if she could smile again. It was so like him, so typical.

“I know. But I would like to. You can give me all the stupid works. But I think I’d like to.”

Now he frowned. “You would like to brew potions together with me? Though you don’t know what I’m brewing and for which purpose? I _am_ a Death Eater, you know?”

To tell the truth, Lily hadn’t thought about that. Now that she did, she found that she didn’t really mind. She didn’t know what Severus did or had done in the name of the Dark Lord, she could only hope that it wasn’t too bad.

“I don’t care.”

Severus and Lily had one time been paired with each other during a potions lessen. It had gone well but some of the Griffindors had decided that she shouldn’t spend so much time together with a Slytherin and so it hadn’t happened again. It had been extremely subtle and she had only much later found out that they had ganged together to keep her from working with him.

They were good together, Severus exactly knowing what he had to do and Lily good enough so he didn’t have to give her detailed instructions. The concentration she needed to do this was enough to keep her from thinking about James all the time. They didn’t talk much, only what was necessary for the brewing. But it was fine for her.

When Severus turned the heat under the potion off, Lily stretched her back. Then she realized how dark it was, even darker than before. “Did we work all day long?”

“Sorry, that happens a lot to me. I get too absorbed in my potions and forget everything around me.” He put the things he didn’t need any more back into the shelves.

“You don’t have to apologize for that. I was just surprised because I haven’t felt bad for the whole time. For the whole day.” And that was a very good thing. Though her back was stiff, she was relaxed.

“God, I was really shocked when I read about you and James. I never thought he’d do something like that.” Severus had stopped moving, looking at her now. He was frowning and this statement, from him, meant something. Because he hated James. And even he hadn’t thought him capable of such a thing.

“Nor did I.”

They were both silent for long moments. Lily’s thoughts drifted.

“Sorry. I didn’t want to make you sad again.” Severus moved, cleaning everything and putting the potion into bottles. “I make tea and you think about what you’d like to eat. Chose whatever you want. Your favourite meal.”

That was easy. “I want pancakes with apple sauce.”

Severus stilled. “That’s a joke, isn’t it?”

“Um, no. If I can choose whatever I want I want this. The pancakes have to be more like crepes. And the apple sauce has to be without added sugar or sweeteners.”

As he finished making tea, this tiny smile was hovering at the corners of his mouth again.

 

The next days were all like that. Lily didn’t leave the house once, didn’t want to leave it. She felt content here, somehow protected from everything. Being in Severus’ house was like being in another world, somewhere where all that had happened to her couldn’t touch her.

She helped him with his potions again and she started to read one of his books. He read completely different things than Lily did but she realized that this might only be because she had never thought about reading books of this genre. It was a great book. And she would definitely read more like that.

She didn’t do much else. And she enjoyed it. It was like she was on holidays.

Severus was there all the time. He didn’t talk much but that was okay since Lily didn’t feel like talking.

After a week in the care of him (she had never drunk so much tea) she felt relaxed enough to put her own clothes on again. She had decided to see James and discuss everything with him that needed to be arranged.

She got a dark, hooded cloak to wear when she left the house. Severus had said when he got visitors they were always hooded so no one could recognize them. That meant no one would wonder about her leaving the house with the cloak hiding every inch of her body.

Before she stepped through the door, she took a deep breath. This was going to be hard. But Severus was behind her and he squeezed her shoulder reassuringly. “I’ll be here if you want to come back.”

Lily looked at him. “I don’t think there is an ‘if’ involved. I feel so much better when I’m here, I’ll probably run back to you as soon as James and I are finished with talking. Maybe even sooner, when I can’t stand him anymore.”

Then Severus smiled. “I’ll be waiting for you. And I’ll have a tea ready.” He cupped her cheek shortly with his hand. “Don’t let that idiot get to you. Don’t let such an arsehole make you feel bad. Keep your head up.”

 

 

It had been way worse than Lily had expected. James had been arrogant and unreasonable. He had been in no way willing to make compromises. In the end they had gotten nothing done and Lily had been close to tears. So she had left. Normally she didn’t cry, hated crying, but this whole situation, probably together with the pregnancy, was making her thin-skinned. Maybe she was still too emotional to discuss things like: who gets the house, who gets the bed and who gets the owl.

As soon as Severus opened the door and she was inside of his house, she broke apart. She cried while he held her, stroking over her back and murmuring soothing words. She clung to his robes and just couldn’t stop to sob. She didn’t know how long they sat like that on the couch but slowly she began to calm down. “I’m sorry.” She mumbled. “I soaked your robes.” But she didn’t move. She was exhausted now and it felt nice to be held by Severus. He was still petting her, combing through her hair with his fingers.

“Oh Lily, as if I’d care about that. Was it that bad today?”

Lily buried deeper into his body. “It was. I thought I could face him but it was too soon. It still hurt so much and I felt so angry and sad and alone and he behaved as if he didn’t care how I was.” She felt the tears rise again.

“Shh, don’t cry again. All will be good again.”

It wasn’t that she believed those words but his voice sounded so pained, like he couldn’t stand her crying, couldn’t stand her pain, that she suddenly felt the absurd need to comfort _him_. So she took a deep breath, released her death grip on his clothes and moved a little away from him. She scrubbed over her face with her hands, surely looking horrible after she had cried like that.

Lily hadn’t realized that Severus had stood up but then he had a cup of tea in his hands, holding it out to her. “Better?”

Astonishingly enough, she did feel better. She smiled at him as she took the cup. He was clearly one of those people who thought tea was always the best when someone was upset. “Yes. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

 

 

Lily and Severus fell back into their routine of the last days. She continued to wear his clothes and they brewed potions together. Severus had to leave on a few days for some time and he got visitors as well. Lily vanished into his bedroom for the time someone was in his house. She couldn’t be seen here, especially not by wizards loyal to the Dark Lord, by Death Eaters. Voldemort had probably put a high price on her head, rewarding anyone who would kill her or taker her to him. She had been too involved in acts against him and he knew it.

The fact that Severus let her stay in his house and didn’t sell her out made him a traitor towards his Lord. No one could ever find out about it or not only her life would come to an abrupt end but his, too. And she did in no way want to be responsible for the death of Severus.

After about two more weeks Lily decided that she had excluded herself enough. She didn’t want to see James again but she could as well write him. Maybe that would work better since they wouldn’t get as emotional as when they were sitting across from each other. Next she wrote letters to some of those who were fighting against Voldemort, too. Only because she was living with a Death Eater (which she wouldn’t tell anyone) didn’t mean she’d stop trying to kill the Dark Lord and stop the Death Eaters together with the others.

Writing letters to James went astonishingly well. He was way more rational on paper and she wondered if he felt bad when he saw her, too. It hadn’t been his intent to hurt her like that and maybe seeing her was hard for him, too.

The letters with all those fighting against Voldemort were frustrating, though. She had to explain to all of them what was going on between her and James, they all asked where she was and how she was and it seemed they had been unsuccessful the last weeks in their campaigns. James was going with them and Lily thought it would be wise to avoid him some more. In addition to not wanting to meet James came the fact that she didn’t want to put her unborn child in danger. She guessed that she was about three months pregnant now (because she had realized it so late).

She would have to see a medic soon, to get herself and the child checked. And she would tell Severus. She didn’t know how he would react, he would surely not want to have her _and_ a child, which wasn’t even his, in his house. Not to mention that it was a tad small for three people. It even was for two. So Lily would start to make plans where she wanted to live. She should have done so two weeks ago but it had been so nice to be pampered by Severus that she hadn’t had much motivation to leave.

Maybe she could move in with one of the women she was friends with and she fought together with. She didn’t want to live alone, not with a baby and Voldemort hunting her. She wrote a letter immediately.

This evening while Severus was sorting ingredients and Lily was sitting on the couch, a cup with tea in her hand, she addressed the topic. “I asked one of my friends today if I could move in with her. I think I’ve intruded in your live long enough. Since I didn’t really move in here, I’ll be gone as soon as I get the okay from her.”

Severus had his back to her. He had stopped moving. “You want to leave?” He sounded tense but he didn’t turn around so Lily couldn’t see his face. “Why?”

“Um, this place is a little small for two people. You have been sleeping on the couch for over three weeks now and I feel bad about it. I’m always here, I even wear your clothes! I’m living here like some moocher.”

“I don’t care.” He still didn’t turn around but he continued to move through the kitchen. His tone was flat.

“But I do. Besides, it is dangerous for you to have me in your house.”

“I don’t care!” The words were sharp now and he whirled around. He looked angry and Lily frowned. Then he strode forward, dropped to his knees in front of her and took her hands.

“I don’t care.” He repeated again, this time very firm, sure, but he was still angry and Lily was surprised by it. “I like that you are here and I don’t want you to go. I’ll sleep on the couch for the rest of my life as long as you don’t leave me.”

 _Again_. He didn’t say it but Lily could hear it loud and clear. She had left him once, in school respectively afterwards, and going now would probably feel as if she left him. She could see the pain in his eyes, then, pain at the thought of her going away. But there was still another problem, even if she would ignore everything else.

“Severus, I’m pregnant. In six months I’ll get a baby and then I need lots of things that don’t fit in here. I have to get another place to live, a bigger place.”

“You are pregnant?” His gaze dropped to her belly, then back up to her face. His face lit up with a bright smile, a smile she had never seen on him, which chased the frown away in an instant. “Oh my god, congratulations!” He hugged her, pulling her down of the couch with it.

Lily was stunned.

“That is wonderful!” He pulled back a little, still smiling. Then he shook her shoulders lightly. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? You must know it for quite a while!”

“Um...” she was still completely confused about the reaction her declaration had caused. “I didn’t think you would be happy about it. It isn’t as if you have anything to do with it, you know.”

Severus actually laughed at that. “I don’t _care_! It is yours, a little Lily child, and I think it is wonderful that you’ll get a baby.” He hugged her a second time before he got serious all of a sudden. “Does he know?”

“No.”

“Then there is even more reason for me to tell you how wonderful it is. Since the father didn’t and someone should. Not only for you but for the baby as well.” He cupped her face in his hands. “Lily, please stay with me. I’ll get us a bigger place to stay and I’ll care for you and the child. Please, I beg you.”

Though Lily still wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, she agreed. How could she not, the way he looked at her, the way he was happy about her getting a baby that wasn’t even his, the way he felt pain at the _thought_ of her leaving.

Severus hugged her again, both kneeling on the floor in front of the couch. He had one hand in her hair, the other on her lower back as he pressed her against him, burying his face in her hair. “Thank you”, he breathed.

 

 

It took Severus about three weeks to get a bigger house. Lily was impressed. She was even more impressed, when she entered the house for the first time. It was big and it was very nice. She loved it.

She turned towards Severus, who was standing by her side, and smiled. “This is perfect.”

“I had hoped you would say that. It only took me so long to find a house because I wanted you to like it.”

Lily bit her lip and began to walk through the rooms, looking at everything, touching the furniture and inspecting every corner.

There were two bedrooms, a living room, a room for Severus to brew his potions, a kitchen and two bathrooms. “When the child is older, we can make a bedroom out of my potions room. I just figured you’d like to have the baby near you at the beginning.”

He was so sweet. Lily was still extremely emotional and she felt tears misting her eyes. She blinked them away. “It’s perfect”, she said again.

At first Lily was hesitant to change things in the house. She wasn’t sure if she had the right to put pictures on the walls or to relocate furniture. She did so in her room only but thought the living room could be made much nicer with a few touches.

Of course Severus noticed her hesitation. He had been in her room a few times and he had seen how she had changed it. “Lily, this house is as much yours as it is mine. As long as you don’t colour the walls pink or something like that, you can do what you want in here. Put photos on the walls, get plants, it’s all right for me. Make it comfortable for yourself. I just don’t care how my house looks so I never took the time to make it look nicer.”

And so, over the weeks, Lily changed a lot. She even got things that a wizard would never have in the house, things only a muggle would ever have. Severus was curious about a few of those things though he thought a lot of it was useless.

Lily got better, wasn’t sad or angry all the time anymore. She liked the house, liked living with Severus. It was still a secret and would be so for as long as the Dark Lord was alive, for as long as this war was going. But Lily couldn’t care less. With her pregnancy she would have hidden anyway, even if she’d still have been with James, because it was too risky for the baby to keep fighting like she had done. She’d never risk the life of her child, even if she’d do so with her own life.

She kept helping Severus with potions and kept writing to her comrades as well. She managed to agree with James about almost everything they had to settle between them after they had separated. All in all, it was good. The only thing that was bothering her was the fact that Severus was working for Voldemort. He left a few times the week and he looked always paler and more tired when he returned. He got visitors that Lily had to hide from (which was even easier in the bigger house). When a visitor had been there, Severus always made tee afterwards. He seemed to need it to calm himself.

So it wasn’t the fact that Severus was a Death Eater that was troubling Lily but the way he looked and behaved after he had done something death-eater-ig. But she thought that it wasn’t her place to talk with him about it. And so she kept watching him and when he had a visitor she prepared the tea so that it was ready as soon as they were alone again.

Lily went to a medic, too, to someone whom she was sure she could trust. Because she wanted to keep her pregnancy hidden. The safest course was to let absolutely no one know about her getting a baby. That way no information about it could get to the Dark Lord.

The weeks went by as Lily slowly got rounder. Severus watched her often now, looking at her belly, and he kept caring for her. He was so wonderful, Lily wondered if James could have ever been like that. She sighed and pushed the thoughts about him aside. She didn’t want to compare James and Severus. Because she feared that she might realize how big a mistake she had made in school when she had decided to stick with James and the Griffindors instead of Severus. There were too many ‘what ifs’ and it only made her sad to think about it. She couldn’t change it now anyway. She had been a child then, had made a decision and couldn’t have known what would happen in the future.

 

 

Lily and Severus were sitting on the couch, both reading a book, when the baby kicked hard enough for her to wince. Severus immediately looked up. “It kicked.” His gaze dropped to her belly and Lily took his hand, wanting to show him. She placed it where the kick had been, palm open against thin shirt she was wearing. Severus looked at her, astonished. It was probably the first time Lily had really initiated a touch between them. Yes, they lived together but she was wary when it came to things like that. Especially after the way James had treated her. Now they both waited while Lily felt the warmth of his hand seeping into her skin.

When the baby kicked again, Severus’ eyes grew big. “Oh,” he breathed. “I felt it.” Lily couldn’t help herself, she had to smile at the awe in his voice. She still didn’t smile often, still felt sad most times, but sometimes, with Severus, it just happened. He was too wonderful not to smile at him.

With his hand still on her, their eyes caught. Lily felt as if something was there, felt something unspoken pass between them, though she wasn’t so sure what it was. She could see the love in his eyes, as she did so often, but she didn’t know what he saw in _her_ eyes.

Her smile faltered as she grew uneasy, restless under his gaze. He opened her mouth to say something but didn’t know what. Severus slowly raised his other hand and brushed his thumb softly over her bottom lip. Lily’s breath hitched. And his eyes dropped to her lips. For a moment she thought he was going to kiss her and there was suddenly fear but also anticipation coursing through her body at that.

But he didn’t. He leaned back a little, his thumb brushing over her lip one more time before he let his hand drop. “You are beautiful when you smile, you really should do it more often.”

He turned back to his book, seemingly ignoring whatever had just made the air between them charged. Lily blinked, opened her mouth and closed it again when she found no answer to that, then frowned. His hand was still lying on her belly and he had shifted closer to be able to keep reading while touching her. Lily was confused about this whole encounter but Severus seemed to have said what he had to say and had kind of dismissed her now. She felt a stab of disappointment, which made her frown deeper. Was she disappointed that Severus had _not_ kissed her?

Lily looked at him while he was reading. She had moved in with him after the scandal with James because she knew that with him she was safe. She knew that he loved her though he had never said so. But she had never considered that she might like him like that, too. He was her friend.

She was sure that she didn’t love him but she had grown fonder and fonder of him over the weeks. She would trust him with everything, even with the life of her baby. She felt safe with him, was content and relaxed in his presence. She liked to make potions with him, to sit on the couch together and read, to drink tea and talk about unimportant nonsense. And no matter how sad she was, she always felt better when she was with him. More than once she had sought him out when she had been close to tears and simply his presence had chased those tears away. Not to mention that he always knew and made her a tea to comfort her. He was so sweet and caring and courteous.

But love? She stared at him, trying to find out how she felt. She had wanted him to kiss her, liked how he was touching her right now, his hand warm on her belly and his hip and thigh brushing against her.

Suddenly he looked up, his eyebrows quirked. Lily turned bright red as he caught her staring like that and turned back to her own book. But she couldn’t concentrate on the text. Her mind was whirling. When someone nocked on the door, it was almost a relief to go to her bedroom alone.

 

 

“Lily, is something wrong? Did I do something to upset you?”

Lily had just flinched while they were brewing a potion when Severus had accidentally brushed against her. She had almost dropped the glass in her hand. Her eyes were wide as she shook her head. She had been on edge the last two days, since this strange encounter on the couch. She didn’t know what she wanted, didn’t know how to behave. She was sure that Severus had wanted to kiss her and had backed off because he was too good to initiate a kiss after what had happened between her and James. Not to mention that she was still officially married to the arsehole.

And now she was nervous around him. Because she had wanted that kiss. She had thought about it the whole night, the way he had looked at her as he had brushed his thumb over her lip not leaving her head. But she was afraid. What would happen when he kissed her? He would want more eventually and Lily wasn’t sure if she was ready to give more.

Not the sex, that was no problem, but Severus would want a relationship, maybe even marry her someday. Because he was like that. And that was what frightened her.

Her marriage to James had sounded so very good at the beginning and then it had morphed into this horrible thing. She thought she knew that Severus would be different, that being with him would be different, but Lily had never thought that James could hurt her like that, too.

She just didn’t think she was ready for something big like that again so soon. Which left her with a huge problem. She wanted to kiss Severus, she wanted to be with him, to touch him, but at the same time she feared everything that would come with it. The vulnerability.

“Lily?”

Warm hands taking the glass and putting it away. Then she was engulfed in strong arms. “Tell me what is wrong. You are shaking. Has something happened?”

Lily took a deep breath. When he held her like that, she wasn’t afraid. She took him in, his scent, his warmth, his strength, and she calmed. They stayed like that for maybe a minute while Lily relaxed. When she looked up at Severus, he was frowning a little. “Better now? Do you want to tell me?”

There was concern in his eyes. Lily hesitated. She didn’t know what to say to him and how. First she had to figure everything out on her own, she thought. So she shook her head. “It’s okay. I was just not feeling well.”

“You can tell me that, you know? And if you want a hug, you can say so, too.” He was smiling a little now. “That would make it easier instead of me trying to guess when you want to be hugged.” He combed through her hair with one hand. “Do you want some tea? Or finish this potion first?”

They were still standing very close, their bodies touching and the fear that had been on her mind was gone. The feeling of his fingers in her hair was soothing and his smile made her gaze dip to his mouth. She hadn’t really considered kissing him, before, but it did seem to be the right thing to do now. The only right thing to do.

So she buried one hand in the hair at his nape and pulled his head down while she got up on tiptoes. She didn’t have to pull very hard, Severus willingly followed her lead. Though it took him until a second before their lips touched to realize what she was going to do. She could see it in the widening of his eyes an instant before she closed hers.

Lily touched her lips against his, very softly at first, but when he didn’t try to pull away she did it again, firmer this time, her mouth lingering against his.

With a groan Severus pulled her tighter against his body and kissed her back, one hand at the back of her head to hold her against him. He opened his mouth, his tongue flicking over her lower lip and Lily sighed. Their kiss deepened and Lily lost all coherent thought. There was no fear, only pleasure as her heart beat faster and faster, her body reacting to a kiss in a way it seldom had before. But even this kiss spoke of the love Severus felt for her. He was able to put it in every single caress, in every touch, as he worshipped her. And it felt different, better.

She clung to him, trying to get closer, to get more. Severus kissed like he had been waiting his whole life to do so, kissed her with everything he had, with a passion that was intoxicating.

She didn’t know how long they had been kissing like that when a strange smell made her aware of where they were. She opened her eyes as Severus cursed and released her to turn to the potion they had completely forgotten. It was steaming and bubbling, but definitely not the way it should. Severus was probably able to get every potion right, no matter how badly it had been handled, but this was too much even for his skill. So, with another curse, he killed the heat and scowled at the fluid. Then he took his wand and made it disappear. Before he turned back to Lily, he took a deep breath, as if to steel himself for whatever was going to happen next.

But Lily was smiling. The fear hadn’t come back, yet, and she had been able to distract Severus enough to make him forget his potions. That was remarkable, she thought.

Seeing her smile, Severus visibly relaxed again. They stared at each other for long moments, neither of them saying anything. Then he mumbled something about tea and walked into the kitchen. He was clearly nervous, which made Lily smile even more. He was damn cute right now.

She stepped next to him and put her hand on his. He froze. “Severus. It’s okay.”

He turned his hand and then interlaced their fingers. “I’m afraid to hurt you.” He looked at their hands as he spoke. “I have to tell you something. I didn’t want to but I will never keep something from you when we are more than simply living in the same house.” He looked up, his eyes dark, his face serious. “First, to make that clear: I love you. I don’t want to put pressure on you with this, I just think you should know. So if you want to take this, us, further, I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t want it. But I’d also be content for everything to remain as it was.” He took a deep breath, his grip tightening. Lily would have liked to say something to that but it was clear that he wasn’t finished, yet. “Now, what I have to tell you.” Another breath. “I’m a spy.”

Lily blinked at him. Now that was something she hadn’t seen coming.

“I switched sides shortly before you came to me. I don’t want to tell you to whom I report because it puts him, as well as you, in too much danger. But you should know that I only pretend to be a Death Eater. Which makes it double dangerous to live together with me.”

Lily was speechless. Then she smiled at him. “It’s okay.” It was more than okay. Of course it was dangerous, probably more than what she had been doing all the time with James and the others. But they were in a war. And every one of them chose their role in it. She had chosen hers and Severus had chosen his. And when she looked at him now, even she that she knew him, that she lived with him, thought that he looked so much like a follower of Voldemort that it was hard to imagine he wasn’t. But he wouldn’t lie to her, not about that, not now. “It’s okay.” Because it was.

Then she stepped closer. She left their hands interlaced and with the other she cupped his cheek. She lifted her face to his. “Thank you for telling me. I promise that I won’t betray you. You are as safe with me as I am with you. Now _I_ want to tell you something. I’m afraid of getting hurt, am afraid of where this will lead. But I like you a lot and I’d really like to try this, us, and see what will happen. I’m not sure if I love you because the last time I thought I was sure it all ended twisted and broken and I realized in the end that it wasn’t love. Not like it should be. But if that isn’t a reason for you not to want to be together with me, I’d want to try and push all those fears aside. I want to take this further. Because I trust you with every fibre of my being.”

Severus exhaled on a shudder. And before Lily could do anything else, he was kissing her. “That is enough. More than enough,” he murmured at her mouth. “More than I’d ever hoped for. Lily, you don’t know how long I’ve waited to kiss you. To hold you.” He lifted their hands and rubbed her knuckles over his cheek, then pressed a soft kiss on the back of her hand. “Lily, you are everything to me.”

That was the last thing that blew the remaining scraps of fear that had lingered away. This man, he would never hurt her. Never.

 

 

Lily and Severus took their time with every new step of their relationship. One cause for it was surely her pregnancy but the other was her breakup with James, which hadn’t been pretty. They were learning each other and Lily loved it. The slow burn was making her crazy but on the other side it made her unbelievably happy.

Severus had begun to tell her everything that happened when he had been somewhere, meeting someone or being at the Dark Lord’s. He even told her about his ‘spy meetings’ though he still kept the name of his contact secret. So Lily told him about what she did, too. Not once did she consider that he might have lied to her to get the information she was now telling him.

Of course they still had to be extremely careful. No one could know that they were together, lived together or even did something together. But it was okay. Lily was sure that one day they would defeat Voldemort and then they could live openly in their relationship. It was only a matter of time.

Lily was happy until the day of the birth of her child arrived. On this one day she had to be alone. Severus was chalk-white as she went to the hospital alone but he couldn’t come with her. He kissed her a last time before she left and Lily was sure there was a little desperation in this kiss. “Everything will be alright.” She smiled at him and brushed her lips over his cheek. “Don’t worry, I’ll be home in no time.”

He nodded but she was sure that he’d worry about her and the baby from the moment she stepped out of the door until they’d be back. She was afraid, too, of going through this alone, but she had no choice. She had been able to keep the child a secret and calling someone now would destroy everything. So she took a deep breath, kissed Severus again and smiled as she pulled the hood of her cape over her head. She had planned every possible scenario of getting to the hospital in every condition. She was prepared.

The birth was hard and she missed Severus but when she held the baby in her arms, a little boy, she was so happy to simply look into this tiny and wrinkled face that everything else faded. Harry, she thought. She’d name the boy Harry.

 

 

Life with a baby was wonderful, but exhausting. Lily was still sleeping in her room at the time she came home with the baby, Severus and she hadn’t started sharing one bed yet. After the first nights, when Severus had gotten up a few times to get the little one when he was crying and he had always had to come over to her room, she decided that it was extremely complicated and annoying to keep this arrangement.

She moved the baby bed to his room and when she went to sleep that night it was to the warm body of Severus pressed against her back, one arm around her waist keeping her close.

 

 

Harry got taller quickly and Lily was amazed at how fast he learned to sit, then crawl and finally stand up and even walk. She was also amazed at how much time Severus spent with the child. He played with him, cuddled with him and read him stories, just as if he was the father of the boy.

Lily had begun to leave the house more often now, always in a way no one would recognize her but she didn’t want to sit inside all the time and wait for the war to end. Severus and she had talked about it and decided that it was okay.

They were living in a real relationship by now and Lily was happier than she had ever been with James. The sex was better by far and Lily thought that, if she had known a relationship could be like _this_ , she would have noticed right from the start that something had been wrong between her and James. The only thing that hadn’t changed was her insecurity whether she really loved Severus. She didn’t want to say those words to him when she wasn’t completely sure. But he didn’t seem to mind. She had never seen him as happy and content as he had been since the birth of Harry. Of course there were still times he was withdrawn and silent but he always told her the reason. What he was doing, pretending to be a Death Eater, it was extremely dangerous. And hiding Lily and Harry in his house, it was even more so. So it was only normal that he was afraid that something might happen.

Lily always smiled at him and reassured him that everything would be fine. But she could feel Voldemort hovering over her complete life like a shadow sometimes and she was afraid, too.

And then the day when everything ended came. Severus had been gone for a few hours, meeting with a few Death Eaters.

Lily had just put Harry into his bed and kissed him on his cheek. He was so sweet when he was sleeping and she smiled down at her baby boy.

Suddenly the door of the house was opened rather forcefully and slammed close again. Harry jerked at the sound but didn’t wake up. So she left him and went to see what was going on.

Severus was standing in the living room, his wand raised. He was pale and he was clearly frightened. As soon as he saw Lily, he rushed to her and closed his arms around her. He buried his face in her hair and held her so tight she could hardly breathe.

She didn’t know what was happening but something was definitely wrong here. “Severus, what’s the matter?” She rubbed her hands over his back as she felt him shaking.

“He’s on his way.” He pushed her away a little and took her upper arms, looking at her with haunted eyes. “He’s on his way. Someone found out about you, about us. And the Dark Lord is coming.”

Lily froze in shock. No, that was not possible. They had been so careful! But one gaze into his face told her that it was true. And it also told her that they didn’t have a chance. After the shock, she was swamped with fear. “We have to get away, fast.”

She wanted to turn and grab Harry, but Severus held her. “It’s too late. We’ll never make it.” He hugged her again, just as they heard a sound at the front door.

Severus released her. “Lily, go to Harry. I’ll try to convince him to let you and the boy go. Maybe he only wants me because I betrayed him. Maybe that’ll be enough and you can live.”

“No, you can’t!” Because it meant he’d die. “No!”

“Lily, listen.” He looked into her eyes, one hand cupping her cheek. “It is the only chance for you and Harry to get away. He’ll never let me go and we can’t fight him, can’t hide from him. We can’t! Please, Lily, go.”

Tears were running over her face, the thought of leaving him to stand alone against Voldemort tearing her apart inside.

Another sound at the door.

For Harry, she thought, she’d do it for her baby.

Full of despair, she pulled Severus down and kissed him. She could taste her tears and maybe his as well as she tried to get as close as possible. It was goodbye, they both knew it. Because in no event would Voldemort let a Death Eater who had betrayed him live.

It was the hardest thing she had ever done in her whole life, to turn away and head into the bedroom to watch over Harry. In the doorway she looked at Severus one more time. He was standing in the middle of the room, standing straight, his shoulders back, his wand drawn but pointing at the floor. He was pale but his gaze was hard, determined. There was the hint of a track of tears but his eyes were dry again. He was brave, Lily thought. Unbelievably brave. And he would die. For her and a baby that wasn’t even his.

Lily cried harder. “Severus.” She threw herself into his arms one more time. “I love you.” She buried her face against his neck and clung to his robes tightly. “I love you, I want you to know that.”

“I know. I have known for some time now. And believe me, I’m the happiest man on earth for having your love. I love you, too, have always loved you. From the first time I saw you. The time with you was the best of my life.”

When he kissed her then, it was soft and gentle. And when he looked down at her, he smiled. It was a sad smile but Lily could see his never-ending love in his eyes.

“Now go.” He softly pushed her in the direction of the bedroom and this time Lily left. She was still crying but her heart felt a little lighter.

Harry was still sleeping and she stroked over his hair. She couldn’t hear much through the closed door, only that someone had entered the house. There was some talking and Lily was just starting to hope that whatever Severus was saying might convince Voldemort, when she saw a bright green light from under the door.

The breath froze in her throat and her heart stopped. She knew that light, knew what it meant. Severus was dead.

Lily swayed on her feet and she had to grab Harry’s bed for support. She would have probably broken down, then, but the door to the bedroom was opened. She straightened and turned to face the wizard who had just killed her mate. She wouldn’t show him her fear or her desperation. He would probably laugh about it. She would look at her destiny with eyes wide open and not cower like a frightened girl.

She had only Harry left now and she would give her life for him, just like Severus had given his life for them both.

And so, when Voldemort offered to let her live if she stepped aside and let him take the boy, she refused. She knew that it wouldn’t save Harry but she was his mother. She couldn’t step aside when she knew that the Dark Lord was going to kill him.

She looked into Voldemorts eyes as he spoke the words of the Killing Curse. Strangely, she wasn’t afraid. As she stood between the wizard and Harry she only hoped that it would be enough to save the boy.


End file.
